Dating with Alopecia
A topic that is often discussed in our community is dating! Among all the life-altering changes that come with Alopecia, dating is one that often feels daunting. Since it is the month of love and I will be hosting a webinar Feb. 13th with NAAF about dating, it felt like a good topic for this month! If you want to join me for the webinar to ask questions live, you can register here! The webinar will include a deeper dive of all these topics along with coping tools to use!
How to start dating after an Alopecia diagnosis
One of hardest parts about dating with Alopecia is wanting it to be the “right” time. If we wait until we feel completely “ready” then that time may never come. I can say from my experience, I certainly have taken breaks from dating (because it can be exhausting), but I am always aware to make sure a break does not turn into avoidance.
Avoidance is the trap that makes anxiety bigger. When we let anxiety rule our life, we are no longer guiding decisions by our values. For most of us, relationships fall somewhere within our values and we want to keep our values in the driver seat when it comes to dating!
Dating Apps, Wigs and Discussing Alopecia
Wigs and dating apps tend to be some of the common fears when dating with Alopecia. These fears may sound like…
Can I use photos of myself with wigs on apps? or am I catfishing?
Will no one like me if I am bald?
When do I tell a date that I wear wigs?
Let’s walk through all of these together!
Dating Apps
How you show up on dating apps is completely up to you! You are not catfishing by using wig photos. Catfishing is taking on the identity of a different person, which is not the same as wearing a wig! You are still YOU with a wig. Think of it no different than someone who uses photos of themselves with their hair dyed a different color than their natural color.
If it feels authentic to you to show up bald or patchy on dating apps, go for it! Personally, this is what has felt best for me. However, I will say showing up bald has made some people entitled to my personal information immediately. If you do show up bald or patchy on dating apps, just know you don’t owe anyone an explanation and you get to direct that conversation when you feel ready.
Sometimes this weeds out the bad people. If someone asks me about my hair in a rude or degrading way, I immediately know it is not worth my time. However, if someone leads with respectful curiosity, but I am not ready to disclose that information yet, I may say “I understand the curiosity, but I do not prefer to discuss that yet. We can talk about it later once we meet each other”.
Telling a Date About Alopecia
When it comes to telling a date that you wear wigs, I believe the sooner the better! Everyone has unique circumstances, so I don’t believe there is a specific timeline to abide by. However, I believe once you decide this is a person you would like to continue dating that is usually the best time. The longer we are with someone, the stronger our attachment will grow. This also means the anxiety of telling someone will continue to rise as the attachment grows because the stakes will feel higher.
Telling someone before the attachment has grown strong will be helpful for any anxiety, as well as, your ability to cope with whatever the outcome is. The reality is, if someone decides they can’t continue dating you because you wear a wig then they are not the one! This is no reflection of your self-worth and only a reflection that this is someone not worth being in your life. If this happens it may feel SO hard in the moment, but it will eventually lead you to your person.
What if no one will like me bald?
This is an extremely common thought! The good news is, that there are countless bald women and men who have incredible relationships. You can live a completely happy and fulfilling life with hair loss, including a partner who will not care at all!
Personally, I have had to work through this thought too. It is SO hard to push past this limiting belief due to all the societal messaging we receive about hair loss. For a long time, I kept myself stuck in a bad relationship just because I thought I would not be able to find anyone else due to Alopecia. Let me tell you, my anxiety was feeding me lies! It does not diminish the fact that dating with a visible difference is harder than the average person trying to date. However, over time I knew my self-worth and what I deserved in a partner regardless of hair loss.
The bottom line is: you can have love with hair loss AND you don’t deserve to settle.
