What does Accepting Alopecia REALLY look like?

One of my biggest pet peeves as a therapist is when I hear people talk discuss acceptance inacurately. Social media has painted a picture that acceptance means loving yourself 24/7 and never feeling upset… because how dare we as human beings ever have negative feelings! That must mean something is wrong with you! (insert sarcasm if that wasn’t obvious)

Want to hear the truth about acceptance? Look no further. I am going to break down exactly what REAL acceptance is and how it looks when it comes to Alopecia.

The Truth About Acceptance

First, let’s discuss what real acceptance is (when it comes to anything, not just Alopecia).

Myth: Many people believe that unless they feel positively about what is happening in their life, then they have not accepted it yet. This is where many people get it wrong. Acceptance has nothing to do with the amount of positive feelings you have towards a situation.

Truth: Real acceptance is about allowing yourself to experience ALL emotions without placing judgement or shame on yourself. Becoming a nonjudgemental observer of your thoughts and feelings and letting go of what is not in our control.

Of course on paper this sounds simple, but I have to acknowledge how difficult it is to practice acceptance in the way I have described above. However, the good news is that acceptance is a skill which means it can be practiced and learned by anyone. Another way to look at acceptance is a concept called Radical Acceptance, which is drawn from Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill which is designed to keep pain from turning into suffering because while we do not have control over experiencing pain, we do have control over letting it turn into suffering. When we are constantly resisting or pushing against our current reality, that is often when we fall into a trap of suffering.

Once again, I want to reiterate that this is much easier said than done! There might be deep rooted causes that create a resistance towards acceptance (sometimes the resistance is not even conscious) which is why these things are often worked in therapy or with a professional.

Accepting Alopecia

Accepting Alopecia in a world that shames, stigmatizes and degrades people with hair loss is HARD. Especially in the beginning of one’s hair loss journey it is nearly impossible to not experience resistance of our new reality. We are told hair loss is a terrible, ugly, gross thing that needs to be fixed, so of course our first reaction is to grasp for any control possible.

Now, I want to make clear that resistance of reality and trying treatment, wigs etc. options are two very different things. Acceptance and exploring treatment/wigs can exist at the same time! In fact, I think they absolutely should exist at the same time to help manage the unpredictability that comes with Alopecia no matter what route you try. A common misconception in our community is that to reach acceptance means you can not cover your hair loss at all & must feel positive about Alopecia 24/7. I don’t know about you, but that sounds exhausting and way too high of a standard given the stigma we face.

Acceptance will present differently for everyone. Many in our community who have accepted Alopecia wear wigs, brows, lashes, hats, use lash growth serums, medications etc. These things can all exist with acceptance! The main distinguishing factor of acceptance vs. non acceptance is if resistance is present or not…

Here are some examples of what of what it may look like when resistance is present (aka pushing us into a ‘suffering’ state)

I can’t believe this is happening to me and no one else around me!

I am so sick of Alopecia making me feel upset again!

This will never get any easier and I am going to hate it forever

I will never be able to love myself this way

This medication is my last resort to finding peace!

Now here are some examples of radical acceptance (aka allowing ‘pain’ to exist without turning it into suffering)

This experience is harder because I don’t know anyone else going through it. That makes a lot of sense.

Losing my hair is rightfully upsetting. It was once part of my identity and I am allowed to be upset about this.

Being mean to myself won’t help me feel better. This is really hard but I have done many hard things.

It is hard to love myself right now because I see a different person in the mirror. I will keep giving myself time and compassion.

It is possible this medication may work and possible that it may not. It will be really hard if it does not work, but I will take this one step at a time.

What if I have moments of ‘suffering’? Does it mean I no longer have acceptance?

This is something else I want to make clear! If you find yourself in moments of needing to wallow in all of the really big feelings that come with Alopecia, that is okay! Acceptance is not an on & off switch, it is a continuous practice. You will know your acceptance muscle is growing stronger when you find yourself falling into a state of suffering, allow yourself to have a moment and then use the skills you have developed to not allow yourself to stay stuck there.

Once again, I want to reiterate this is easier said than done. There is so much time, practice, reflection, processing, unpacking and SELF COMPASSION that goes into this process. Sending big hugs to everyone in our community currently on this journey!

If you are looking for support to explore acceptance, we offer a range of options from self guided, peer, and professional support:

1. Our FREE Alopecia Acceptance Masterclass: a deep dive of all the basics

2. Reclaim Alopecia Roadmap: a full year evidenced based coaching program that includes individual and group coaching

3. 1:1 Coaching: individual coaching sessions

4. Therapy: if you are located in New York

5. Therapeutic journals: sometimes the first step is just gaining a better understanding of your feelings